Mostly Harmless

So here are some words that, when combined, mean you will be spending some cash at the mechanic: “catalytic,” “converter,” “rattle.”

I heard the beginnings of a vibration a few days ago before I left to visit the ‘rents, when I got back today it was a full blown “what the hell is that” rattle.

Using my spiffy new flashlight and crack diagnostic skills I discovered that it was the driver’s side catalytic converter that was rattlin’ like a bastard.

The plan o’ the moment is to take the car to the shop tomorrow and see if they can slap on a new cat for something less than several hundred dollars. (Internet price: $270, each).

There’s also the problem of why the converter is dead, ‘cuz I didn’t smack it with a mallet so it shouldn’t be broken… survey says: meltdown, bad O2 sensor (or some-such).

I never trusted that O2 sensor anyway.

(Hey, here’s something fun to do with the climate control diagnostics. I’ll see if that works on my car so I can turn the climate control display into a digital tach. Woo!)

Update #1: Just ‘cuz the mechanic is open on Saturday it don’t mean that he can get parts. He took both cats off and they’re both bad. I figure I’m up to $600 easily assuming he can get the cats cheap and put them on in five minutes. On Monday he’s ordering the parts and doing further diagnostics. I’m betting that I’ll need an O2 sensor — at least $150 for that. I should be able to hit $750 without too much difficulty… stay tuned!

Update #2: Cheap parts, in Wisconsin, plus expensive labor(?) I’ve got new cats coming in on Tuesday for $190 a piece but they claim the time to install them will be 3 hours — which is total nonsense. Seems to me like I was there for a total of one hour on Saturday and they removed and re-installed both catalytic converters; or at least they claimed to. Were they lying on Saturday, or are they lying now? The saga continues tomorrow!

Update #3: Perhaps I shouldn’t have jinxed it by using the term “saga” in the last update — for now it has, indeed, become a saga. I should have my car back tomorrow (Friday). It seems that they ordered the wrong parts, specifically the version for the automatic transmission car, not the manual transmission car. So after they used a torch to remove the bad cats they discovered the new ones didn’t quite fit. This means that on Saturday they most certainly did not remove the cats to check them, like the guy said (but he wasn’t the actual mechanic who checked ‘em, so maybe he assumed…). It did take a good 2 1/2 hours for them to remove and install the (wrong) cats, so I’ll definitely get my money’s worth since they’re effectively doing it all again for free tomorrow. Meanwhile, I have a loaner deathtrap Ford Ranger P.O.S. It’s evil but not as bad as the Rent-a-Wreck I had once, because at least the truck has good brakes. It’s also got a cracked windshield, cracked driver’s side mirror, missing stereo, no functional interior lights except for the speedo & tach, no key to lock/unlock the doors, no knob for the headlight switch, no washer fluid, no leg room, a hood release lever that catches on my pants leg every time I use the (stiff) clutch, and an air freshener that makes my eyes water, gives me a headache, and permeates my clothes for 1/2 an hour after I get out of the vehicle. It’s also a joy to park in my teeny garage stall.

Update #4: Day 103, (or so it seems). The second set of catalytic converters is, again, not quite right. This time, instead of the whole header pipe/cat/exhaust pipe contraption, we just got the cats. Installation will require some custom exhaust work that they can’t do themselves so they’re farming it out to an exhaust shop. Got that news on Friday night. Drove home in the freakin pickup truck, again. Might get the car back on Monday or Tuesday; Tuesday would make it a whole week for my 3 hour install — I’m certainly getting my money’s worth there, especially if they eat the cost of farming it out to another shop. The price listed on the screen was $750, but of course none of that stuff is actually done yet. I called the Carousel Audi parts department, while I was standing right there at the front desk; the genuine OEM parts from the dealer would cost $1,958, and that ain’t including installation, so I shall press on with the $190 cats and the custom exhaust work, and the evil truck.

Update #5: Rocket Man. Got the car back Monday night, yeah baby! After I found the pedals and remembered how to shift I was immediately reminded why I drive a sporty car and not an old, beat up, crappy Ford truck; one reason is that 60 mph in the Ranger took a lot of effort and was accompanied by lots of shaking and rumbling — while 60 mph in the Quattro feels a lot like you’re going about 30 mph and is something you might accidentally do in 2nd gear. As I was leaving the shop I noticed, after a block or two, that the tach was indicating 4,000 rpm at 40 mph — sure enough, I was still in 2nd. I had gotten so used to all the rumbling in the truck that my shift patterns were all screwed up… it turns out that my car never makes as much racket (in any gear, no matter how fast it’s going) as that truck (in any gear, no matter how fast it’s going), so I’ve got to pay attention to the little gauges until I get used to the feel of the engine again.

My final* cost: $758.81.

* “final” — because despite numerous attempts to get them to do some diagnostics on the engine to figure out why the cats were bad, they never did anything about that. They also didn’t get me a quote about fixing the torn boot on the axle, despite a couple of reminders about that. This means that Eurotech will get the call. Eurotech doesn’t have loaner cars but it has a parking lot full of BMWs, Audis, and Mercedes, and a competent mechanic — any schmuck can bolt on a catalytic converter, or so you’d think, but when it’s time to fiddle with the engine it might be a better idea to go with the guy that works on the $50,000 cars all day instead of the guys that work on the Chevettes.

A few posts ago I said it looked like someone broke into my apartment and cleaned the joint because I had cleared a path to the TV in preparation for the visit from the TV repair guy. (Update: $65 for diagnosing nothing in particular… someday the tube will die and stay dead and it would cost $1,000+ to replace. In other words, “hello new TV.”)

Today I’m thinking that statement about a break-in is kinda ironic since it appears that someone is cruising for a smackdown.

Here’s the sitch. I was watching TV Thursday night, ’round 8 o’clock, and some bozo starts opening the outer glass door and screen on the patio door. The screen doesn’t open without some effort (this summer I installed some temporary blinds between the glass doors which prevents the screen door from opening more than a foot) so the door refuses to open much and makes some noise (crushing my blinds) and the guy wanders off. I pretty much sat there wondering “What the fuck?” for a minute or so before getting up to survey the damage and close the screen.

[The inside glass door is usually open about an inch for ventilation, but it won't open any further because of a door brace. The thing is that you can tell the door is open from about 100 yards away, apparently this is an invitation for the unsavory members of society to come and visit.]

Here’s another peculiar thing. A month ago the same guy (I’m guessing) started opening the screen door. When I noticed him he asked me if my dog was missing (”Is this your dog?”), to which I said “no” and off he went. I recall thinking, “why the hell does he need to be opening my screen door to ask about a dog?” I don’t know if he even had a dog with him… but if he did it was probably his.

Anyone picking up on a pattern here? Anyone?

I think this explains why the outer patio storm window was open too. So that’s probably three separate attempts so far.

Here’s a question, what kind of person tries to walk in through your patio door at 8 p.m. while you are obviously at home watching TV? Is this person a thief trying to snatch my VCR while I’m in another room? Does this person want to be my special friend? (Why can’t hot chicks try to break in?) Is this person just drunk and/or stupid and wandering into the wrong apartment? At this point, we don’t know.

All I do know is this, some serious harm will befall anyone breaching the perimeter of the apartment. It is worth noting that, (A) I can get lots of security products wholesale, (B) I have a telescopic steel baton, a stun gun, and handcuffs within arm’s reach of my chair, (C) my living room is full of tripwires and obstacles (it’s just messy), (D) I’m practically 6′ 4″ and don’t need a steel baton and stun gun to kick his ass, and (E) I dug my air pistol out of the closet and I can shoot someone in the head from a fair distance, causing a painful sting! Sadly, my nunchakus are merely foam padded training models… but does the perp know that?

Security measures so far? First off, since the screen door didn’t latch because the frame is bent, I spent 99 cents and added an extra latch. It is a screen door so it can easily be cut, but this serves to foil the casual passersby who want to wander in uninvited. The internal door already has the brace so even if it is already open, it won’t open any further. I’m adding an extra latch to that as well. For the purposes of discussion I’m assuming he isn’t willing to create a hell of a lot of noise by bashing through the glass doors.

Next items up for bids? I’d like to dig up the concrete patio and set up a tank with sharks that have frickin lasers on their heads but that might get a bit pricey. There’s a nice deal on cameras over there in X-10 land (see, their pop-up ad campaign worked!) I’ll get at least one camera, don’t know if I’ll go for the whole kit since I can fake the motion detector stuff with the right web cam software… but a three camera system would work nicely with a new house next spring. Hmmm.

Look forward to Security Web Cam in the semi-near future.

Something else I’m going to do, because it’s so low-tech: since it’s winter I can create a large sheet of ice on the patio just by dumping a bucket of water outside. Imagine the hilarity that will ensue if the perp comes back and is startled by (a) a sign that says “Trespassers will be shot,” and (b) a nice 130 db alarm attached to the outer door. If I add some genuine tripwires around the patio I’ll be almost guaranteeing video worthy of “Dumb criminals caught on tape II.”

It’s a shame that booby traps are illegal, but there’s nothing wrong with a manual switch that trips a human-sized rabbit snare or a 300,000 volt surge of electricity through the door handle.

I’d love to drop a 10×10 cargo net from the overhanging deck. That’d be cool. Then my friend Wile E. Coyote can come over and we can discuss how to catch that pesky Road Runner.

Don’t eat potato chips.

I just felt that I needed an extra 512 megs of RAM, because, you know, it was Tuesday.

Vector should get his kickback from Crucial any day now.

It looks like someone broke into my apartment and cleaned the joint… or at least a 10×15 section of the living room.

You see, if your friends are coming over you don’t need to clean anything (much), but if a total stranger is coming to fix your TV or install cable you have to tidy up the place.

Any day now I’ll call the TV repair guy to get the big TV fixed. In the meantime I’m still slumming with the 20″ TV and watching DVDs on my laptop.