Mostly Harmless

A few posts ago I said it looked like someone broke into my apartment and cleaned the joint because I had cleared a path to the TV in preparation for the visit from the TV repair guy. (Update: $65 for diagnosing nothing in particular… someday the tube will die and stay dead and it would cost $1,000+ to replace. In other words, “hello new TV.”)

Today I’m thinking that statement about a break-in is kinda ironic since it appears that someone is cruising for a smackdown.

Here’s the sitch. I was watching TV Thursday night, ’round 8 o’clock, and some bozo starts opening the outer glass door and screen on the patio door. The screen doesn’t open without some effort (this summer I installed some temporary blinds between the glass doors which prevents the screen door from opening more than a foot) so the door refuses to open much and makes some noise (crushing my blinds) and the guy wanders off. I pretty much sat there wondering “What the fuck?” for a minute or so before getting up to survey the damage and close the screen.

[The inside glass door is usually open about an inch for ventilation, but it won't open any further because of a door brace. The thing is that you can tell the door is open from about 100 yards away, apparently this is an invitation for the unsavory members of society to come and visit.]

Here’s another peculiar thing. A month ago the same guy (I’m guessing) started opening the screen door. When I noticed him he asked me if my dog was missing (”Is this your dog?”), to which I said “no” and off he went. I recall thinking, “why the hell does he need to be opening my screen door to ask about a dog?” I don’t know if he even had a dog with him… but if he did it was probably his.

Anyone picking up on a pattern here? Anyone?

I think this explains why the outer patio storm window was open too. So that’s probably three separate attempts so far.

Here’s a question, what kind of person tries to walk in through your patio door at 8 p.m. while you are obviously at home watching TV? Is this person a thief trying to snatch my VCR while I’m in another room? Does this person want to be my special friend? (Why can’t hot chicks try to break in?) Is this person just drunk and/or stupid and wandering into the wrong apartment? At this point, we don’t know.

All I do know is this, some serious harm will befall anyone breaching the perimeter of the apartment. It is worth noting that, (A) I can get lots of security products wholesale, (B) I have a telescopic steel baton, a stun gun, and handcuffs within arm’s reach of my chair, (C) my living room is full of tripwires and obstacles (it’s just messy), (D) I’m practically 6′ 4″ and don’t need a steel baton and stun gun to kick his ass, and (E) I dug my air pistol out of the closet and I can shoot someone in the head from a fair distance, causing a painful sting! Sadly, my nunchakus are merely foam padded training models… but does the perp know that?
Security measures so far? First off, since the screen door didn’t latch because the frame is bent, I spent 99 cents and added an extra latch. It is a screen door so it can easily be cut, but this serves to foil the casual passersby who want to wander in uninvited. The internal door already has the brace so even if it is already open, it won’t open any further. I’m adding an extra latch to that as well. For the purposes of discussion I’m assuming he isn’t willing to create a hell of a lot of noise by bashing through the glass doors.

Next items up for bids? I’d like to dig up the concrete patio and set up a tank with sharks that have frickin lasers on their heads but that might get a bit pricey. There’s a nice deal on cameras over there in X-10 land (see, their pop-up ad campaign worked!) I’ll get at least one camera, don’t know if I’ll go for the whole kit since I can fake the motion detector stuff with the right web cam software… but a three camera system would work nicely with a new house next spring. Hmmm.

Look forward to Security Web Cam in the semi-near future.

Something else I’m going to do, because it’s so low-tech: since it’s winter I can create a large sheet of ice on the patio just by dumping a bucket of water outside. Imagine the hilarity that will ensue if the perp comes back and is startled by (a) a sign that says “Trespassers will be shot,” and (b) a nice 130 db alarm attached to the outer door. If I add some genuine tripwires around the patio I’ll be almost guaranteeing video worthy of “Dumb criminals caught on tape II.”

It’s a shame that booby traps are illegal, but there’s nothing wrong with a manual switch that trips a human-sized rabbit snare or a 300,000 volt surge of electricity through the door handle.

I’d love to drop a 10×10 cargo net from the overhanging deck. That’d be cool. Then my friend Wile E. Coyote can come over and we can discuss how to catch that pesky Road Runner.