Mostly Harmless

I’m 8 for 26-ish in the Pepsi iTunes song giveaway. I figure my next bottle cap should be a winner — so I’ve got that to look forward to. Very exciting, yes? No? Moderately exciting? Think about it as a rebate that makes the vending machine pop slightly less overpriced than usual. Or free music. When was the last time you got FREE music from the internet? OK, bad example. What about legal, free music? Aha!

Even more exciting than that is the Golden Eye™ Lottery (as I call it).

The vending machines at work now have Golden Eye™ technology to “ensure a positive vend.” Fantastic! If the candy doesn’t fall it gives the rack another turn. What that wins you, every so often, is a two-for-one. Making the candy slightly less overpriced than usual. You never know when it’s gonna happen though, and that’s what makes it interesting. Pay your money, make your selection, and hope that the bag of Cadbury mini-eggs is a slo-faller™… don’t fall… don’t fall… don’t fall… yahtzee!

Even more exciting than that is Cracked Windshield (Russian) Roulette.

For this you will need a car with a cracked windshield. I’ve been letting the tiny chip in my windshield grow all winter so it is now an 18″ crack which could go at any minute. (I’ll get it fixed once it’s warm enough outside that I can just call the fine folks at Harmon AutoGlass and have them fix it in the parking lot at work.) Next you will need an automatic car wash with brushes — any pansy can survive the Touch-less car wash, don’t be a wuss. Furthermore, you will need to be sitting in the car during the wash cycle — any pansy can watch the windshield shatter from a safe distance as the car goes through the wash on a conveyor. Don’t… be… a… WUSS!

So… cracked windshield, car wash with brushes, you are in the car. Check. Things should go smoothly until the Whirling Brush of Death starts toward the windshield. At this point you may recall reading the sign outside that said “Don’t enter the wash if you have a cracked windshield.” You may realize that those brushes are whacking the car with a lot more force than you remember. You may have second thoughts — too bad, you’re trapped. You may notice that the brush seems to move up the windshield a lot slower than you remember, and it is, in fact, really whacking the windshield. You may experience several seconds of terror until the brush makes it to the roof. You may breathe a sigh of relief.

Invigorating!

Even more invigorating than that would be getting showered with broken glass and soapy water! Don’t give up, there’s always next time.